Grief is a Moving Target

“Don't be ashamed to weep; 'tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us.” ― Brian Jacques

It’s been just over a month since my grandmother died. While this has not been my first journey through grief, it feels like the most impactful one. She was my twin flame, my kindred spirit, my soulmate— my days feel a tad dimmer since her passing. 

As I write this, I am in the trenches of grief, but here are my reflections for if you find yourself standing in my shoes. 

Lean into your support system and if you don’t have one, get one.  

Make sure you have people who can hold your hand while you walk through the fire. Grief is a free fall and if you don’t have anyone to catch you, it can feel like you might never get back up again. 

I am grateful to my immediate support group— my husband, my family, and friends. I joined a grief group (which there are many options out there) and have bi-weekly sessions with my therapist for 1:1 support.  

You are not your grief. 

Although grief is happening to you, you are not your grief. I think it’s important to remember that you are in control of your feelings, even if it doesn’t feel like you are. This season feels like a dizzying journey through the roughest waters. I can’t control the elements, but I can control my demeanor as my vessel travels. The water carries me, and I lean into it. 

Lean into your grief. 

Yep, lean into it. Let it carry you. Ride the waves. I think the saying goes something like “if you suppress your feelings, they’ll come back ten times stronger.” Suppressing them by shoving them down will only mean they do come out eventually, and probably in the wrong way (ex. Anger), at the wrong time (ex. Towards your friend or spouse), and in the wrong place (ex. Maybe in public instead of in a safe space). 

I have found it helpful to “let go” after my kids go to bed. It’s a safe time for me to lean into my emotions. I’m able to slowly open the lid to them and release them when I am ready; I’m in charge.  

Grief fog is real. 

I cannot emphasize how real this one is. Think of it like nature’s protective blanket that wraps around us. It limits our ability to see clearly (concentration), interferes with our thought process (memory function) and restricts our ability to move (physically and mentally). While experiencing grief fog, the only thing we can do is slow down and stop as it’s a matter of basic survival of the “self.” 

When I was initially experiencing grief fog, I felt so much better knowing that I was not alone in this. You know what else helped? Knowing some of the science behind grief. Here’s a really great, short, video that explores what’s happening in the brain while experiencing grief. 

Grief is a moving target.  

Every day is different. What worked for you yesterday might not work tomorrow or one day next week. Not only do you have to be open and receptive to whatever your mind and body are feeling, you have to be extremely present in your day-to-day life. If I accidentally let my thoughts get away from me, I suddenly find myself thinking about the next holiday or something in the future and immediately the weight of my loss makes me crumble to my knees. However, if I stay right here it feels less overwhelming and much more manageable. One breath at a time.