“If Mom is good, baby is good.” — A Maternal Mental Health Journey
"If Mom is good, baby is good."
I heard that quote somewhere and it clicked— if I'm feeling good, my kids are good and, therefore, my household feels good. Everyone is grounded.
My anxiety leads the pack.
Yikes. That's a loaded sentence.
Maternal mental health is extremely important and, unfortunately, not talked about in the "soon-to-be-moms-club" often enough. As a newly pregnant woman I had NO idea what I was up against (PPA/PPD, etc.). Maybe there was a book somewhere that I should've read but, I didn't.
During my first pregnancy I worried about my weight. Constantly. I struggled with my body image and an ED for years prior and, although I thought I was "cured", the inevitable weight gain from pregnancy really triggered me. Not to mention the constant doctor appointments where they track your weight gain and tell you "Only gain X" so when you hit that mark, and add 20lbs to it, you just worry all the time.
Sigh.
Photo by: Katie Boone, Ceremony Photographs
Then my babe was born, and all my body image worries melted away. My body went from being the enemy to being completely incredible!
And then the PPA set in. I was so sleep deprived. My husband and I were arguing a lot. I didn't even recognize the symptoms I was experiencing until I was climbing OUT of the trenches. I was too tired to notice when I was in the thick of it. When my baby started sleeping, I started to feel better and recognize what was happening.
So, when I found out I was expecting another baby, I tried to set myself up for a better pregnancy and postpartum journey. I kept my therapy appointments regular and hired a sleep consultant so I wouldn't be so sleep deprived.
It's still hard— I'm still tired but, I know better. I know what to look for. I've had a few bouts of PPA spike, but I can recognize it and take action right away.
Motherhood is one of those "and" chapters.
〰 Becoming a mom is the greatest thing I've ever done AND challenging for me.
〰 I love going on walks with my kids AND I love going on walks alone.
〰 I love being a Mom AND I love to still be "me".
But unfortunately, the challenging part of the sentence often gets left out because saying the challenges out loud feels wrong, especially when so many people want what we have been blessed with.
But the more I talk to my mom friends, the more I'm realizing we're literally all doing the same thing. Just alone. Because we don't want to talk about it out loud. We don't want to rub it in anyone's face that we're a mom. And we want to always be grateful.
Plus, the focus has shifted— before baby comes, everyone checks on you and after baby comes, everyone checks on the baby. Even the OB/GYN appointments stop. As you move through your pregnancy and get closer to your due date, your appointments get more frequent— monthly, then biweekly, then weekly. Once baby is born, you see your doctor twice— one when you are 2-weeks postpartum and one when you are 6-weeks postpartum.
At the 6-week postpartum appointment you’re checked for PPA/PPD through a one-page questionnaire that you fill out in the waiting room. It's a series of questions that, quite frankly, are embarrassing to answer.
"I just had a baby, of course I'm happy."
”Eh, I don't cry more than I should. I'm just hormonal."
Hormonal.
Yes.
Yes.
YES. AND SO MUCH MORE.
OF COURSE YOU’RE HORMONAL. BUT YOU’RE ALSO A HUMAN BEING, NOT A ROBOT. AND NO ONE TELLS YOU ABOUT THE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS. AND YOU DON'T GET PAID MATERNITY LEAVE SO YOU HAVE TO START WORKING AGAIN WHEN YOU'RE ONLY 5 WEEKS POSTPARTUM. NOW YOU HAVE TO NAVIGATE WORK AND SLEEP DEPRIVATION AND YOUR SCHEDULE AND BABY'S SCHEDULE. OH, AND IF YOU ARE BREASTFEEDING, YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE PRODUCING ENOUGH MILK TO SUSTAIN BABY'S HEALTH. BUT YOU NEED TO "GET YOUR BODY BACK” SO DON'T EAT TOO MUCH. BUT EXPECT TO BE STARVING BECAUSE YOU’RE BREASTFEEDING. AND OH, YOU AREN'T PRODUCING ENOUGH MILK FOR BABY? GUESS YOU'LL HAVE TO SUPPLEMENT AND FEEL BAD THAT YOUR BODY FAILED YOU.
I could keep going.
What new mom wants to feel shame for feeling negatively about their new role as mom (or as mom of 2, or 3, etc.)? Answering the PPA/PPD questionnaire honestly is HARD. I wasn’t honest the first time I was postpartum. I was this second time around. But I still think the maternal mental health support as a new mom (or new mom of 2, or 3, etc.) is lacking. There are just SO many barriers that cause many moms to suffer through PPA, PPD, mom rage, etc. alone.
If you’re currently expecting, ask your provider what their postpartum care looks like. And mamas, mamas-to-be, friends of mamas, and expecting mamas— postpartum is forever.
READ THAT AGAIN: Postpartum is forever.
It's not just the first year or two years. PPA/PPD, other mental health shifts can happen, and will happen, while you are navigating those first few years of your postpartum journey.
And I refuse to navigate them alone.
It's because of this, I'm sure, that my maternal mental health has improved this second time around. So, I want to speak up. I want others who are walking the path to know they’re not alone and there are resources!
Here’s a list of Instagram resources I love (but, hey— in continuance of this conversation, please don't add to your mental health stress with information overload. Only take what you need):
〰 SLEEP CONSULTANTS
〰 COMMUNITY/MENTAL HEALTH
And, most importantly, this is just my maternal mental health journey. No two journeys are the same. My challenges are not the same as someone else's. But they're all challenges. Be kind to one another. Check on your mom friends, not just their babies.
Because children don’t come with an instruction manual, JCS offers a variety of programs, services, education and support for parents and families with children of all ages. Click here or call 410-466-9200 to learn more.
