I’m Failing As A Wife

“I’m failing as a wife.” This is what I told myself when I took my third pregnancy test with negative results over the course of 26 days since I missed my period. When I wrote “What is your body telling you?” I thought I was back on track with my normal 28 day cycles, but I was wrong. I’m currently on day 53 since the day of my last period. 

I think I tried every type of pregnancy test on the shelf— analog, digital, ClearBlue, First Response, EPT. You name it, I bought it. After taking the test, I could hear the seconds tick away. Time became so much longer than microwave minutes. I’d ask Siri to set a timer, set the test down, and try to distract myself so the time would go by faster. Tick.. tick.. tick.. The sound of the timer buzzing would make me tense up. I’d close my eyes, take a deep breath, and slowly peek… another single line. Another negative. At that moment, I could feel my entire body go numb. My eyes would well up but no tears would come out— I have no energy left for tears. How many pregnancy tests will it take?  

Is there something wrong with me? Through my anxious thoughts, I console with my friends to ask for their advice. One friend told me that she took five pregnancy tests in one month— the fifth one came back positive. So, I let myself cling to that small ounce of hope that that could, too, be my story.

But, alas, the little voice of anxiety led me to consult with Dr. Google (too bad there isn’t a “don’t google while anxious” option on my phone). I regrettably searched for “day 53 no period but negative pregnancy test” to find a few terrifying options… 

• Early menopause - Uhmmm.. I’m only 31. Is that even possible? 

• False pregnancy - But I want to be pregnant so bad. Why is my body doing this? 

• Low hormone levels - Okay, this is better, I can work with this. I can take a blood test and supplements and work with a doctor. 

• Lifestyle factors - But I’ve been working so hard to make sure I’m not stressed, but now this is stressing me out.

• Serious medical condition - Great, something is wrong with me.  

Since September 2020 my periods have been irregular, falling on day 39, 35, 34, 42, 28, and now over 53. I was a “late bloomer” and got my period when I was 15 years old. I believe I did have irregular periods then but I wasn’t paying much attention to it. At 17, I became sexually active and began taking birth control pills until age 30— that’s 13 years of hormones and tricking my body. I never realized how hormones could affect my reproductive system, until now— when I’m trying to conceive.  

Hormones play tricks on your mind.  There were a couple of times my body had symptoms of pregnancy, which included: bloating, breast tenderness, fatigue, hair loss, headache, and nausea. There were two days where I slept for 12 hours because I was so tired and a few times I had to take off work. However, all of these symptoms are also similar to PMS or signs of your period coming.  

Every month I get the same feelings: disappointment, shame, embarrassment and sadness. Disappointed when you think you’re pregnant because your period is late but the test confirms you aren’t and that small sliver of hope you were holding onto dies. Ashamed because my body isn’t working as it should be. Embarrassed when someone asks if you’re pregnant yet because they know you’ve been trying and you have to say out loud “No”. And immense sadness when you ask yourself, “Why does it seem like the couples around me are getting pregnant so easily and quickly?” 

Ugh. 

Scrolling through social media over the last year, I’ve seen countless baby announcements. Those who are having their first child, second, or third child. Newlyweds who immediately became pregnant after three months of marriage. Or some couples I follow waited a few years after and got pregnant as planned. This is where social media can be dangerous as we know we aren’t always getting the whole story. The perception shows happiness but people aren’t always vulnerable to show and express struggle. You see smiling photos and great captions, but is it all true? Even when you watch a movie the couples have sex one time and then BOOM she’s carrying a child and next scene she’s giving birth. If only it were perceived to be that easy.   

My best friend and I started trying for kids around the same time. We said it would be so fun to be pregnant together. About a month ago, she delivered a healthy baby boy. Throughout her whole pregnancy I was right there by her side— checking in with her constantly to see how she was feeling. I wanted to know how pregnancy felt and through her words I kept hanging on to my hope. And here's the honest truth: I am so very happy for her AND I am envious. The two opposing feelings cause confusion and chaos in my heart and mind. 

Occasionally you meet couples who don’t want kids, which is totally fine, don’t get me wrong, until they make distasteful jokes about it. One person last year posted on April fools day saying they were pregnant with twins and added a picture of a sonogram with a bunch of verbiage. I was genuinely surprised and happy for them until I scrolled down to the bottom where it read, “I don’t know whose babies those are, but I’m happy for them”. Today, this type of post lacks empathy.   

I recently attended a baby shower where someone said, “I guess that means you and your husband are up next, right?!” and though I’m sure their intention wasn’t meant to be hurtful, it was. I brushed it off and said “We’ve been trying!” where they replied, “It took us about 7-8 months of trying, you’ll get there!” Again, not the best response as we’ve been trying longer than that, but I know they were trying to make us hopeful. 

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day hit differently this year, too. I so wanted to be able to say in secret to my husband, “I’m going to be a mama!” or “You’re going to be a daddy!”. In fact, I took a pregnancy test on Father’s Day but the test came back negative.  

My husband and I would love three children. Because of this, I’ve created immense amounts of pressure on myself. No one else has done this. Just me.  

I’m sure other women have heard this before: 

“It will happen when it’s supposed to happen.” 

“Your body is stressed, give it time.” 

“Focus on something else and then when you’re not thinking about it anymore, you’ll get pregnant.” 

While it’s not terrible advice— it's unsolicited. You never know what a person is going through. I have some friends who have struggled getting pregnant and other friends who have had miscarriages.   

I wonder if I’ve ever had a miscarriage and not known. I stopped taking pregnancy tests because my periods and ovulation schedule is so hard to track. I’ve tried many different ovulation trackers in the past: Health app, aka the calendar method, ovulation predictor test, and basal body temperature (BBT).   

With all the constant tracking, testing, thinking, and planning, I feel so heavy with sadness. I look at my Husband and see a man who wants, so badly, to be a Dad. I look at myself and see a woman who, so badly, wants to be a Mom. 

I want to give that gift to us. 

And I feel like I’m failing. 

As I wait for my next doctor’s appointment to discuss my reproductive health and confirm or deny if I am pregnant, I keep coming back to this: In the end, I have to stop comparing myself to other people. Everyone’s journey is different and mine is just a little bit longer. I have to hang on to hope that something great is going to happen. No, something great will happen.