The Art of a Meaningful Apology
Apologizing is one of the most important life skills we can acquire and put to use. Unfortunately, learning how to properly apologize is a skill that not everyone has mastered. Oftentimes, our ego gets in the way of a meaningful apology, which leads to defensiveness, excuses, and more hurt feelings. Some people may feel that apologizing and admitting fault is a weakness. However, this could not be further from the truth. Taking accountability of how your words and actions may have negatively affected someone shows growth, maturity and genuine care for the person you hurt. It is a life skill that we should all strive to work towards and implement into our personal relationships.
When we are young, what we observe from our parents and caretakers becomes the rulebook for how we live our lives. Growing up, I often heard my parents argue, but rarely heard them apologize to each other. If they did, the apologies were not always true or heartfelt. Yes, it is possible to say “I’m sorry” without it being sincere. These kinds of apologies are often referred to as non-apology apologies, fake apologies, or pseudo apologies. They disguise themselves by including an “I’m sorry,” but in reality, they minimize personal accountability and invalidate the other person’s feelings. The most common forms of these non-apologies begin with “I’m sorry if…” or “I’m sorry, but…”
Some examples of non-apology apologies:
“I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt.”
“I’m sorry if I offended you.”
“I’m sorry, but I think you’re being sensitive.”
“I’m sorry I yelled at you, but you made me really mad.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Both of my parents were (and still are) extremely defensive when it comes to admitting fault. I chalk this up to generational trauma and how they observed their own parents growing up. Nonetheless, it still has had damaging effects on how my sister and I interact with our partners and how we have learned (or not learned) how to apologize. As twenty-year-olds who have been in long term relationships, we often see our own defensiveness come to light when confronted by our partners. Fortunately, self-awareness is the first step to changing learned behavior. We both know how hurtful it is when a loved one is unable to apologize for their mistakes. There have been many instances when we would confront our parents about ways they have hurt us, and instead of receiving a heartfelt apology, it turns into defensive yelling and makes us feel horrible for even bringing it up. Instead of patching up a hole with the proper tools, the hole is now larger and more hazardous.
As a naturally defensive person, I have been working very hard on learning how to properly apologize. I never want to intentionally hurt anyone, so when I do, I immediately want to defend my perspective on why I did what I did. However, this is a very slippery slope because even though you may not think you did anything wrong, the other person is still hurt by your behavior. At the end of the day, we are all entitled to our feelings, and feelings are never wrong.
There are several key factors that go into a proper apology:
Sincerely apologize for hurting them and validate their feelings
Take accountability of your behavior without making excuses
Verbalize your intention to learn from your behavior/mistake so it doesn’t happen again
Let’s say I am out with my partner, and I make a verbal jab at his character. This hurts him, and he confronts me about it later when we get home.
“Hey, it really hurt me when you called me dumb in front of your friends.”
Here is how not to apologize:
“I’m sorry if that offended you. I was clearly joking around. You know I think you’re really smart. Don’t be so sensitive!”
Here is a better way to apologize:
“I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings by calling you dumb. That was really hurtful and insensitive of me to say that. I should have never spoken poorly about you or put you down. In the future, I will be more aware of what I say so I won’t hurt your feelings again.”
It is okay to be wrong. It is okay to make mistakes, but it is how we move forward through those mistakes that makes all the difference. There is so much strength in being receptive to personal wrongdoings and learning how to apologize for them without making the wound bigger. No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes. No matter how good our intentions may be, we can still end up hurting the people we love. Apologizing is one of the most beautiful and healing gifts we can give to our loved ones and to ourselves.
