Understanding Confidence

“Confidence, ultimately, is the characteristic that distinguishes those who imagine from those who do.” - Katty Kay

Recently, I wrote a blog called “Digging Deep for Confidence.” Since then, I’ve been on a journey to educate myself on what confidence is truly made of. During my research, I read “The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance” by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman. This book leans heavily into how there are gender related differences within confidence and discusses how that upbringing, brain structure, stereotypes, and double standards affect confidence.

So, yes, your overall confidence is a product of your environment. How you were raised, the people you surround yourself with, how you orient yourself within the world, and even your brain structure all play into how confident you are.

However, confidence can be learned— how liberating!

The authors state that there are “confidence cousins” (which I absolutely love). A little confidence family tree! The family members include:

Self-esteem

This can be argued to be more stable and more pervasive than confidence. It’s an invaluable buffer for withstanding setbacks and finding deep rooted resilience within yourself.

Optimism

In order to be confident, you have to stay uplifted. You need to have a sense that everything will work out. As Bob Marley sings, “don’t worry about a thing... cause every little thing is gonna be alright.” He was on to something.

Self-Compassion

Oof, hit me with the good stuff. You need to be able to give yourself grace. Accept the fact that failure is part of the journey. Period.

Self-Efficacy

This refers to the set of beliefs we hold about our ability to complete a particular task. According to psychologist Albert Bandura, the first proponent of the concept, self-efficacy is the product of past experience, observation, persuasion, and emotion. Adopt an “I can do that” attitude.

Courage

In order to take a leap of faith into anything scary or unknown, you need to have courage to take that first step. Mind over matter.

What do we do with this information? We figure out how to tap into our confidence. First and foremost, act. Confidence is a means of trusting yourself and having faith that what you do will result in a desirable outcome. Fail every day. Get ahold of your inner a**hole (as Jen Pastiloff calls it). Take responsibility for your decisions. Play to your strengths.

Here are three key lessons the authors leave you with.

1) The bridge between our thoughts and actions is confidence.

There’s power and science in positive thinking. Adopting an anti-fragile mindset and a growth mindset are important factors in your own personal confidence. If my thoughts trend on the negative side and I don’t have high self-worth, I’m not going to feel confident in my abilities. It’s imperative that you look within and tame your inner voice.

2) The difference between women and men as well as gender stereotypes play into why women often hold back in the workplace.

In my world, I am a woman working in a woman dominated industry. I see strength in the women around me, which is contagious! However, studies show this is not the norm. Men are generally quicker to voice their opinions and be more aggressive. A male-dominated workplace makes a woman less likely to speak up, even if she has a good idea, hindering her progress. However, it’s important to understand that women can act on their softer side and still be confident. You can stand behind your opinions without being aggressive. Active listening, which is typically a more feminine approach, is also a show of strength.

3) Even though there is a genetic component, we can learn to be confident.

In terms of learning confidence, it takes so much practice and intention. When you wake up tomorrow, make a conscious decision to be confident and create a game plan. What are areas you want to work on? What in your mind is holding you back? Is it courage? Do one thing tomorrow that scares the sh*t out of you. Leap. Fail fabulously and with a smile on your face. And once you do, take a deep breath, give yourself grace, and get back in the game. Remember, YOU are in control of YOU.

Confidence is partly nature, partly nurture, and you can work at it.