Digging Deep for Confidence

What is confidence? Are we born with it or is it learned? I was reflecting on my own confidence recently and had this big realization that I have gone from confident as heck, to completely broken, back to confident, but without the heck part. And this got me diving even deeper— what is the first extremely confident moment I can remember? 

And then it hit me.  

The year was 1997 and I was in 7th grade. My go to album was Celine Dion’s “Falling into You” on cassette tape— one side of the tape had two of my very favorite hits, “Because You Loved Me” and “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” on it. I can still remember rewinding the tape so it would perfectly play those two back-to-back tracks. 

Of the two, my favorite was “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” (which, funny enough is making a comeback on Instagram Reels and TikTok videos and I am HERE for it). I would belt that song out as loud as I could in my mom’s pacific green metallic Mercury Cougar— a sporty little car that screams 90s. 

A couple years later, in 1999, I signed up for the school talent show. I was ready to sing on stage, in front of hundreds of people. I chose, you guessed it, the ballad of a lifetime— “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” by Celine Dion. I had a little dance routine ready for the opening “wind” sounds you hear on the track and was ready to take the stage. You see, I was already a performer. At this point, I was 11 and I had already been dancing ballet, tap, and jazz for 8 years. Stage fright was not a thing for me. I wanted to be seen. 

Now, this is right around the time where CDs had come out, but I didn’t have this specific song on CD, so I showed up ready to sing along to a cassette tape (that poor DJ). When I got there, I realized my best friend, Karen, was singing in the talent show, too, and in true BFF fashion, she also picked a Celine Dion song! Luckily for me, she had a CD with her that included my song and her song on it. Shew! 

When it was my turn to sing, I stood with my back to the audience on the outside of the stage curtain. I took a deep breath and as the music began to play, I stood up straight and felt so confident in myself and what I was about to do.  

The wind sounds and the piano started, and I gracefully let my right arm float up like a swan’s wing – up 1, 2, down 3, 4, my head leaning gently along with it – and then my left – up 1, 2, down 3, 4, my head swinging with my pretend wing. Then both arms went up, along with my gaze, on the big burst of music. BAM! My right leg crossed over my left leg, and I pivoted around to face my audience on counts 6, 7, 8. 

I mentioned above that I was a dancer, so dancing was my “thing” and adding choreography felt right to me. But singing not in my mom’s car or in the shower? Totally new and I had no idea what I was doing, but I kept going. 

When my right arm, my first arm, went up on those first four counts, I realized I didn’t know what to do with the microphone I had in my hand, but I just went with it. I didn’t have time to stumble, after all, the lights were on. 

When I turned around to face my crowd, I honestly don’t remember what I felt or saw. I just sang my little heart out. It was just me and Celine up there— yep, that’s right, I was singing along with Celine Dion. Being a 10-year-old, I didn’t know I could get a karaoke CD or tape. I thought you could only get the backing track if you were a contestant on that karaoke show, “Say What? Karaoke”. If you don’t know what I am talking about, it was basically the pre-American Idol show. And I loved it.  

Celine and I were up there duetting, and it was amazing. There was even an added verse to the song on the CD version I was singing along with, that I had never even heard before, but I hummed along with it and didn’t let it phase me. 

I hummed along.  

On stage. 

And I didn’t even care.  

I rocked my performance. 

The song ended and that was that! My best friend and I beamed at one another afterwards. I felt like I was on cloud 9. The most popular girl in the school literally had nothing on me. I could not be brought down.  

So why did I take you down memory lane? Because something happened after this experience that I can’t really pinpoint, but I stopped feeling that joy and carefree confidence in my own voice. 

I continued to sing— I'd have small solos in chorus or in the musicals I was part of, but I would tremble with fear. I would get so lightheaded that my voice would go from being this grab your attention voice to a tiny little thing that I would have to practically yell to get over the barrier my throat was creating for me. Even in non-singing settings I would get so worked up over it being almost my turn to share or read a passage in a school textbook aloud that I would have that same visceral reaction to public speaking. 

Why did I go from being this steadfast kid to just wanting to sink underneath the table and hide? 

I was still dancing and super involved in extracurriculars and academics (I was on the math team, dancing at a pre-professional level, in all the musicals, and even graduated high school as a 16-year-old junior) but thinking back—I had a few other incidences where I dimmed my own light. In high school I ran on the track and field team. I ran the 4x4 relay and threw shotput and discus. I even went to states for it my freshman year! One day in my junior year, during our warm-up for practice, I had a panic attack. 

A few weeks later, during a simple conditioning exercise, I felt that same faint feeling wash over me, like I was going to have another panic attack, and I never ran track and field again. I stayed “on” the team by being an assistant. I remember talking to my coach, Mr. Malone, about stepping away from my active status but I still was so passionate about the team, and didn’t want to let anyone down, so I wanted to help somehow. The assistant role was what he came up with. 

I mentioned I graduated from high school at 16. I was a junior. I wanted to excel in anything I did, but without standing out. I made everything not a big deal. 

It was no big deal that I graduated early.  

It was no big deal that I was a 16-year-old college student.  

It was no big deal that I had to drop out of college because I had no money.  

It was all no big deal. 

I dimmed my light.  

I lacked confidence in myself.  

It wasn’t until just a few years ago that my confidence started to rebuild. Part of my confidence foundation was rebuilt on my stepping into a teaching role. Another part came when I said no to people and things that were no longer serving me. More pieces came as I met my husband and then became a mom.  

Now I sing or hum along to songs in front of people again. I don’t care about letting others hear my voice. In fact, I want to be heard.  

When I was a kid, I used to think no one could hear me singing in the shower. I would put my little blue boombox in the bathroom with me and go to town on those Britney Spears songs. And then one day, I was casually let know that everyone could hear me— not that people didn’t want to hear me, they just truly wanted to let me know that the bathroom wasn’t soundproofed like I imagined.  

But now I want to be that loud, I don’t care kid again. You could say I got my heck back (aka I am confident as heck again).  

I want my own kids to be bold and carry that confidence that I had, then lost, then found again. But I don’t want them to ever lose it. So, I’ll lead by example and hopefully inspire others to live that way, too.  

So don’t dim your light. Don’t quiet your voice. Be bold. Be brave. Be unapologetically you. Find your heck and don’t let it go.