5 Ways To Get Through And Maybe Even Enjoy The Holidays This Year

I’ve found that a person falls into either two categories:

You’re either the one who starts playing holiday music before Thanksgiving or you’re the person who wishes to hide under their covers for 3 months while grunting at every lit menorah, decorated tree, and Happy Holidays card you receive in the mail from relatives you hardly remember.

Children generally fall under the first category -- the sparkle in their eyes, the joy that builds, the excitement upon waking up on Christmas morning or celebrating the 8 nights of Hanukkah, the magic that unfolds with it all. 

But what significant events occur from childhood to adulthood that seem to change some but not others? I have personally found that it comes down to memories, change, traditions or lack thereof, insight into family dynamics, and mostly: emotional connection to the holiday itself. Simply put, is this time of year a reminder of joy, or is it a trigger that re-traumatizes you every December?

I was one of those kids that cock-a-doodled-doo at 4:00 A.M. on Christmas morning, dragging my groggy older sister out of bed, tugging at my parents endlessly until I was allowed to go to the living room to discover the magic. What I loved most was the thoughtfulness and the presentation of the gifts, from the brand new domino's set-up across the living room, to the year my Mom pouted when my Dad went on a morning run without her, only to find him returning with a new car complete with a bow.

When I was 14, however, things changed. I went from little miss holiday cheer to a rather angry and sad little girl.

What happened? How did I get here? Well, my Dad died and suddenly everything I once loved about the holidays dissipated along with his existence. We spent the first holiday without him at Disneyland. Everything was different. It didn’t matter that we were at the “most magical place in the world,” I couldn’t enjoy any of it because of his absence. 

With every passing year I felt torn from my family, disconnected as I watched both my sister and mother create new families of their own. I felt like an island, like my family was ripped away from me, and suddenly I was an outsider in an environment that should have felt like home. Nobody made me feel this way, nobody loved me any less, nobody treated me differently. But no matter what I did, I always felt on the outside, the outskirts, the peripheral. 

Last year, I made a decision to skip the holiday altogether. 

Why? Because I could. Because I am single, childless, live on the other side of the country than my family, and owe it to nobody to continue engaging in a holiday that makes me sad and upset. Do I dislike my family? Not at all. But I had to change my connotation with the holiday. 

I had to let go of what was and accept what is. 

I did this by missing Christmas last year, like really missing it. I treated it as any other day. I did not accept gifts from anyone nor did I purchase a single gift for anyone. I made a choice for myself, by myself, and spent the morning, afternoon, and evening with myself. 

Taking back this control was liberating and something I needed to do for my own wellbeing. 

This year, I have a flight booked home on Christmas Eve. I am ready to re-enter this holiday with a new outlook, with appreciation for a family that loves me and each other, with a desire to rewrite the story I let shackle me for far too many years. 

I, like you or anyone else who is going through grief during the holiday season, have a choice. Ask yourself why you continue to engage in things that do not bring you joy. Are you sacrificing your health and happiness for those around you? Are you falling into a trap of: “Well we’ve always done it this way?” Do you feel like it’s out of your control, or you don’t have a choice in the matter? Well, I’m here to tell you that you do. Now you might be thinking it’s easy for me because I don’t have an immediate family that depends on me. That you can’t deprive your kids of celebrating the holidays. I get that. So here’s a list of 5 ways to keep sane, stay mentally healthy, and perhaps, just maybe, find some joy along the way this holiday season, even without totally taking the holiday off.

1.       Sit with the feelings that come up when thinking of the holidays.

Stress, anxiety, fear, loneliness, sadness. Take some time and sit with it. You don’t have to understand it, but let yourself feel it. Tell yourself it is okay to feel it. If you want to, journal about it. Make space for it.

2.       Create a gratitude list.

Every day. Write 3-5 things you are grateful for as soon as you wake up.These don’t have to be extravagant things. Half the time I state my bed, my coffee, and my dog. Try to find variety, try to pick new things each day. Mention the first things that come to mind. The mere act of thinking about things you are grateful for, even if you can’t find anything, increases dopamine in the brain. Dopamine is the feel-good hormone therefore it helps ya FEEL GOOD.

3.       Find a holiday tradition that you love.

Create one. If it isn’t festive, so be it. But do it every December. Invite others to do it with you.

4.       Cut your “to do” list in half.

Seriously. Do it. Nobody will notice.

5.       Break down large “to do” items in steps that can be completed in one hour or less.

That one thing you are stressing about? The part where you have to host your whole family? Break it down. The part where you have to battle people in Target to find the one toy for your sister’s brother’s niece. Let it go, forget it. If you need to do it, do it sooner rather than later. For the bigger stress tickets, break it down into smaller steps. When you are done doing each task, light a candle and take a bath. If that’s not your jam—reward yourself somehow for checking it off the list. Pair the stressful items with something that makes you feel damn good right after. I assure you, this will improve your relationship with doing things you dread.

To leave you with one final note: Realize that just because something has always been doesn’t mean it always will be. Realize you have power. Realize you have control over your thoughts and actions. Start there. Your perspective won’t change overnight, but perhaps trying these steps can help lighten the load.