How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship During Quarantine

2020 was going to be my year! I had travel plans; I was turning 30; I got a promotion; and I started a new romantic relationship over the holidays.

My current boyfriend and I met online years ago, dated for a few months, called it quits, and then stayed friendly over the next few years. In January 2020, we decided, ‘What the hell are we doing? Let’s be together!’ and embarked on a new relationship, three years older and wiser.

But, as we began our new-but-not-so-new relationship, the COVID-19 pandemic hit New York City. The fragility of our relationship was immediately challenged by the stress, fear and subsequent logistics of the “new normal.” Throughout the past few months, we’ve learned so much about each other, the world, and how to set yourself up for success when starting a new relationship, even if you’re in the middle of a global pandemic.

Launching a romantic relationship at any time can be stressful, uncomfortable, and anxiety-producing. Two independent lives have to melt together in a way that satisfies both people. You are figuring out how to stoke a small, delicate fire to make it last. One wrong move can plant a seed of distrust or create an unhealthy dynamic for years to come.

Then add in the stress, fear, anxiety, limited space, job changes and money stress of the pandemic to this fragile dynamic. The strain caused us to risk holding each other too tight and extinguishing that fire quickly.

Some things we, as a new couple, had to navigate a few weeks into our relationship:

· If we would quarantine together or apart

· How I could work remotely in peace

· How he could budget while on unemployment

· How to keep us sane together and apart

· How to respect each other’s homes/spaces, lifestyles and sleeping patterns

· How to keep a sense of self and control

· How to have fun and keep the spark

· How to cope with the complex emotions that come with this unprecedented time without self-destructing

After a few bumps in the road, we had some difficult conversations about our needs, expectations, and how certain actions make the other person feel. We set critical expectations and boundaries, and prioritized our mental health.

Here’s what I learned:

1. Boundaries.

I cannot stress this enough: boundaries are important! Even when you’re in that lovey-dovey, the-world-is-our-oyster honeymoon phase, it is important to retain your sense of self, your routine and your alone time. Enmeshment, especially during a scary pandemic, is so easy. One night crashing at his place turns into two, then three. Next thing you know, you’ve been wearing the same t-shirt for four days and are really behind at work. It’s not worth it! Go home.

Instead, we spend time every week planning out alone time vs. hang out time, and we set expectations for what days we need to have alone time. It can be an awkward convo at first, but it really helps when trying to maintain a semblance of self. A few days apart does make the heart grow fonder.

2. Communication (especially about mental health).

In addition to developing normal and healthy patterns of communication in the early stages of a relationship, the pandemic adds another layer. When under duress, people can tend to over-communicate or under-communicate, and generally be all over the map. For us, it’s important to be honest when either of us is not having a good/happy day or in a low/depressed mood. It’s about setting expectations for the day (or hour) and giving insight into what’s going on internally with the person. And, it helps to cut the other person some slack when they really need it.

3. Be A Team.

The global scarcity dynamics created when there’s a pandemic can force people to be hypersensitive about their own needs. Whether you’re standing in line at Walgreens for the last roll of toilet paper or fearing for your job, all this stress of “not enough” can make us act in selfish ways. In a relationship, it’s really important to fight that impulse and focus on fostering a team mindset. We go the extra mile for each other. I pick up a treat at the grocery store for him; he comes over and fixes my broken air conditioner without me asking. Small deeds make us feel like we’ve got each other’s back and we’re in this together. Rule of thumb – when you want to take, give. If you’re with the right person, whatever you give will come back to you. Also, gratitude for each other is really helpful, even when he does take the last cookie :)

Moral of the story? Lean in to your partner, whether you’re in a new relationship or you’ve been together for years. Even when locked inside, find ways to retain your sense of self and independence. Communicate about how you feel and the status of your mental health. Love yourself, love your partner, and stay joyful, inside and outside of your relationship.